I hate men so much.
It is a dream of mine to one day start an education program that accurately teaches kids about sexual assault. If I ever have money in my life, I want to start a scholarship program for sexual assault victims, which includes not only financial help with tuition, but a budget for these survivors to see a therapist as well. One day, when I stop having days where I wake up and think it’s my fault, I’m going to scream from the top of every building I can because what happened to me was wrong, and it should never happen to anyone else ever again.
Until then, an update on things lately
People often tell me that I shouldn’t talk about rape. By talking about it, I am letting it define me. It’s not appropriate. I should move on. It’s uncomfortable for everyone around me. If I keep talking about it, I’ll never get over it. People don’t want to hear about it. It doesn’t make for intelligent or civilized conversation. They don’t understand why I need to talk about it, so I just shouldn’t do it. Aren’t I okay yet, anyway? Letting people know how being raped affected me just makes me a victim, and it isn’t something that should just be brought up in conversation.
These people and those beliefs are the reasons I talk about rape.
Recently, like 2 nights ago, I had my first sexual encounter with a guy that was actually good. I actually felt like someone cared about me, and I had fun, and he listened when I said no to things, which was actually like the hottest thing ever. It was amazing and actually…
Beautiful post. I’m so glad to read you had a positive experience.
I saw this just as I was thinking every time I even see the word sex I get nauseous and uncomfortable and scared.
I hope to enjoy sex again one day. Be able to have sex again, but I think that’s still a long time from now.
I’m here for you if you ever EVER want to talk about anything at all.
Recently, like 2 nights ago, I had my first sexual encounter with a guy that was actually good. I actually felt like someone cared about me, and I had fun, and he listened when I said no to things, which was actually like the hottest thing ever. It was amazing and actually opened my mind up to the idea of sex not being something I’m pressured into, something that is taken from me, or something girls are expected to do for guys, which literally, everything past making out had been in my life up until this thing with this guy.
I’m really self conscious about sexual stuff though, and I’m a person who believes that knowledge is the best way to deal with stuff, so I look things up sometimes. And in an article that was supposed to be really sex positive and helpful they said that guys love it when you look at them like you want to rape them.
As if it’s not hard enough for victims to separate sex from rape already. As if I haven’t been struggling with not making this really awesome experience I had into something terrible in my head because I have lived a full year of my life being terrified of men. I just hate it because that piece was probably written by a guy. Why do guys think rape is ok? That it can be sexy in the right circumstances? Because actually, thinking about rape at all when relating to actual sexual experiences that I want to have is the single most toxic, terrifying, and unattractive thing I can ever think of.
It just sucks because literally I was excited to think about sex for the first time in A YEAR AND 3 MONTHS and some douche bag on the internet ruined it because he doesn’t know that looking at someone like you want to rape them is the least sexy way to look at someone ever, and I can’t even think about sex at all right now because of it. It just sucks how progress isn’t always permanent, it comes and goes.
But I did have a really great time with this guy. He respected my boundaries, always made sure I was okay, and generally made me feel cared about. It was seriously something that I am so happy it happened even if nothing comes of it, because it was such an amazing positive step for me in my recovery. It literally just revolutionized my view on sexual stuff in a way that I can actually start to think of them in a positive light again, like most people. I know that some of them aren’t safe, and I have a super clear understanding of what isn’t okay, but this gave me such an amazing meaning of what IS ok, and I can’t even express how much that means to me right now.
I was raped. I am a rape victim. Someone didn’t listen when I said no. That doesn’t mean that I am a slut. It doesn’t mean that I am handicapped. I find strength in that identity. That strength however doesn’t mean that I’m okay either. I struggle with self mutilation, some nights I can’t sleep, and even with my legs crossed I often feel violated. I talk about rape because it’s not okay, and because letting people know that it’s real and that it’s not a joke is how I find power through my suffering.
The thing is people have so many fucking opinions. Opinions about how I should react to things, whether I’m overreacting, where I should be, how much I should be able to handle, and I honestly don’t give a fuck about those opinions, but the people that have them think they’re laws, not opinions, applicable to all people. And so really it’s just another person trying to control a situation that was caused by someone controlling me. And then I just cant speak or think, so I fuck up even more. i really shouldn’t be alive anymore. I’m never going to be successful, I’ve started cutting again, and now I’m pissing off my friends because I can’t control anything.
all women were bigger and stronger than you
and thought they were smarter
women were the ones who started wars
too many of your friends had been raped
by women wielding giant dildos
and no K-Y jelly
the state trooper
who pulled you over on the new jersey turnpike
was a woman
and carried a gun
the ability to menstruate
was the prerequisite of most high-paying jobs
your attractiveness to women depended
on the size of your penis
every time women saw you
they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
women were always making jokes
about how ugly penises are
and how bad sperm tastes
you had to explain what’s wrong with your car
to big sweaty women with greasy hands
who stared at your crotch
in a garage where you are surrounded
by posters of naked men with hard-ons
men’s magazines featured cover photos
of 14-year old boys
tucked into the front of their jeans
and articles like:
“how to tell if your wife is unfaithful”
“what your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”
“the truth about impotence”
the doctor who examined your prostate
was a woman
and called you “honey”
you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath
as she insisted that sleeping with her
was part of the job
you couldn’t get away because
the company dress code required
you wear shoes
designed to keep you from
and what if
after all that
still wanted you
to love them.
—carol diehl, “for the men that still don’t get it”
Let’s just get one thing straight, shall we?
rape. n., v.
- the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
- any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
Rape is not, and never will be
- A good thing, like winning a video game
- Something someone deserves, like an A on a test
- A form of communication, like receiving a lot of asks all at once
- Something funny, like a joke about what victims have to go through
- Anything trivial at all, ever.
Rape is only the act of one person completely, violently, and disgustingly violating another person. It is dehumanizing on every level. The only thing that using the word rape in a casual setting does is make victims feel unsafe, and encourage the people around you not to take victims seriously. Whether a person is a victim or not, it is disrespectful to the entire human race to make rape into any of the bullet points listed above. The point of using the word should always be to discourage rapists and help victims, never to laugh at the expense of someone’s safety, or trivialize someone’s suffering because you aren’t comfortable with the topic.
Glad we got that sorted.